Chapter Four

Survival Is Not My Identity

There were periods of my life when survival was an accomplishment. I learned to disconnect from painful experiences before I understood what I was doing. That response once protected me. The problem was that my body did not automatically recognize when the danger had passed. Survival followed me into situations where I was no longer powerless. I could brace before anything happened, expect loss before receiving love, or look for an escape while standing inside an opportunity. The circumstances had changed, but my body was still responding to an old identity. … Survival has a rhythm: react, escape, recover, repeat. After enough repetition, peace can feel unfamiliar. We may know what to do when something goes wrong but not how to relax when life is going well. I spent years drinking and trying to manage life from inside that cycle. Alcohol gave me temporary distance from feelings I did not know how to process. Eventually, the relief became another problem. Sobriety required more than removing a substance. It asked me to meet the person I had been avoiding. I could no longer disappear from myself.

You may recognize this as calling Survival a Character Defect, using the Past Against Myself, or escaping Discomfort.